Dear Therapy Professional

An open letter to those who are trying to help couples navigate a waning sex life, having no idea when there is coercion and they're making things so much worse.

Jan 30, 2023

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Dear Marriage Counselor,

The couple who sat in your office today isn’t what they seem. There’s something going on there which you can’t see. They’re not telling you the whole story. Or, there are parts of the story which you just haven’t heard. If one of them sent this to you, I hope you’ll pause and find a quiet spot to read it, or listen to the audio as I tell you about what’s happening in marriages all over the country.

Thank you for reading Mending Me. This post is public so feel free to share it.

Who am I?

My name is Nat and I was married for 20 years. In the process of divorcing my husband in 2020 I discovered that he had been sexually coercing me our entire marriage. On the wedding night he was upset with me for not letting him get in the bath with me (I wanted to be alone for a few minutes after a long grueling socially packed day).

Almost every time after that, any time I wasn’t feeling up to sex or a hug or a back rub, any moment I wasn’t receptive to his touch, I was scolded or shamed. It was never OK to say no. It was explicitly said that my body belonged to him. I believed this because we were married. I had been taught that marriage was a different dynamic and certain rights were considered selfish after marriage, including bodily autonomy. I was wrong.

In 2020 I began talking about this on TikTok anonymously, with the username @mending.me. I’ve since spoken to thousands of women, hundreds of men, and several dozen psychology professionals and intimacy experts about this topic. I now consider myself an expert in what I call Martial Coercion. I call it this to separate it from sexual coercion as it is discussed in casual dating situations. This presents much differently in marriage and long term committed relationships.

What is sexual coercion?

Sexual coercion is language and behavior that presents as punishment or persuasion, in an effort to get someone to engage in sexual touch, or to make them feel wrong for not doing so.

According to The Domestic Violence Hotline, sexual coercion can present in many ways, including, but not limited to:

Using the relationship to express the importance of sex, saying things like, “I don’t feel like you love me if you don’t” or “Sex is an important part of marriage.”
Extreme compliments that feel out of place, or compliments that focus too much on the sexual aspects of their partner, ie. objectification.
Suggesting the use of drugs or alcohol to “loosen you up” or relax your partner to get more in the mood.
Complaining or guilt trips when you say no.
Threats to their partner or the relationship, “I’ll get it somewhere else” or “I won’t stay in a sexless marriage” which often is coupled with the gaslighting of calling this a “boundary” to make it sound more reasonable.
Normalizing this behavior saying, “Men need sex” or “You don’t understand how it is for men.”
Any negative reaction to a no, like stomping away, rolling over in bed, leaving to go sleep on the couch, huffing and puffing to make their displeasure known, are all covert forms of emotional abuse.

Lundy Bancroft talks about this type of abuse in his book, Why Does He Do That?

This style of abuser is constantly pressuring the woman for sex she doesn’t want. There are a number of reasons why she doesn’t want it: it’s too often, it feels coerced – meaning she feels pressured into it rather than enticed into it, it shows little regard for her needs or feelings (such as what else she might need to be doing), and it feels too mechanical. What I mean by “too mechanical” is that she doesn’t come out feeling like she’s been made love to; it feels more like she’s been used as some kind of masturbation machine. She feels a little ill, the opposite of feeling sexy.

Women in my comments, DMs, and Facebook group for years now have expressed these same experiences, feeling used and discarded after sex with their husband. What’s worse is the complete betrayal from therapists and counselors as these women have sought help, not understanding that what was happening to them was abuse.

How many counselors and therapists harm their coerced clients

I’ve heard countless stories now from women broken and betrayed not only by their husbands, but family and friends, their church and communities around them, only to have their last hopes dashed by a psychology professional who does the same.

One anonymous story shared in my DMs recounts two separate professionals pushing sex as a need and dismissing client concerns about the damage this did to her and might do to others.

My therapist backed my ex up in sex being a need. So I tried to figure out how to meet that need for him without have to let him use my body. His therapist suggested an open relationship so I researched and worked it out in my brain how I could be okay with that. And he and our marriage counselor wondered if I was just trying to get out of ever figuring out my issues with sex.
I told her she needed to be careful about telling couples it was a need because men would use that against their wives and it could be very bad. She dismissed it and told me the women needed to stand up for themselves and that would be an opportunity for them.

Another woman, who later developed physical repulsion to her husband as a result of the abuse has this story:

The therapist said “ok, well there are things you do because you love someone that you don’t necessarily want to do, and then there are things you do against you will. Which is it?” When I said that it had been both, he paused and looked at my husband. Then he said, “This doesn’t make you a bad guy. Not to be hyperbolic, but you’re not a rapist or anything like that.” And we spent the rest of the session helping him feel better. He didn’t ask me one other question…it’s just a communication problem lots of married couples have.

Another woman shared her husband’s coercive attitude toward her and got this response:

I shared about my low libido and how my husband was often (very) upset with me for not having enough sex, she told me men get that way because they need sex as a release then suggested when I go home that day to surprise him with a "quickie."

Then with her husband present:

She told him if he helped out around the house more, it would increase our sex life. All this did was turn sex into an exchange of goods, sex in exchange for doing a small portion of what's required to live in a household? I thought it was a solution but what actually happened was even when he did do something helpful, my desire was not magically and immediately turned on and I couldn't figure out why, wasn't him doing more supposed to change how I felt according to the therapist? It also became just another resentment point for him if there was no sex after he had "helped" out, I was making him "jump through another hoop".

This is a very common story from men in my comments as well. These men believe they are doing basic household chores in exchange for sex, and psychology professionals are backing them up. When their wife naturally lacks desire because of this sexually unappealing prospect, she is told to do it anyway.

Women are told they’ll enjoy it if they “just do it” by any means necessary, but what these professionals don’t understand is that the sex these women are having is NOT CONSENSUAL.

I felt something was wrong with me because I didn’t want sex as much as he did. His libido was high (3-6 times a week) and when I refused I was given the silent treatment for days. Sometimes when he touched me, I would just want to scream and jump out of my body. Cleaning the toilet was more appealing. He didn’t respect me or my boundaries. Yet “experts” kept telling me that the more I do it, the more I’ll want to do it. All this did was make me feel more and more anxious and depressed and left me with no self-esteem. “Experts” need to know what’s really going on.

These women are experiencing a sexual assault, engaging in sex they don’t want. But they love their husbands and can’t understand what’s “wrong” with them and why they don’t feel desire. They don’t know human sexuality any more than the professionals they’ve trusted with their minds and hearts. They don’t know this is rape.

Yes, it’s rape

If you’re still reading, thank you. I’m not known for sugar coating and I don’t enjoy throwing away time softening this message for people. But what’s happening to the mind and body during unwanted sex acts is catastrophic to these victims. But it’s covert, hidden, insidious.

Each time a woman’s body is violated in this way, it is the same as a violent rape, different only in that it is happening more intensely psychologically than physically, and worse, she’s not allowed to call it rape. She’s told that this is her husband, so while her nervous system is crying out for help, she’s told to “keep trying” because she’s married now.

How can you help?

First, do a simple google search for “sexual coercion” and spend some time learning about what this looks like.

Then, look within your existing resources to find out how to learn more about coercive abuse in general. Often times, sexual coercion is paired with other forms of nonsexual coercive control.

I have a list of resources myself at maritalcoercion.com, and my own website, alwaysmending.com will give you an opportunity to learn more about my story. My social media pages consist of regular content on the topic of marital coercion and the comments on those will give you some unique insights into the experiences of the victims.

But above all, beyond education and reflection, I want to ask you to just listen and validate these women. They don’t need advice, they need someone to hear them. Their no has gone ignored for years, possibly even decades, and more than anything they need to know someone is on their side.

This is not a healthy marriage in need of a little counseling—this is an abusive marriage in need of intervention and reform.